Spring Cleansing

Ok so what I've learnt since my last post is how talented I have become at keeping myself busy so as to avoid having 'the time' to work on something that is solely about me! It's been months since my last blog entry and not a day has passed without berating myself for avoiding my blog. Instead of following through on my commitment to myself to explore my relationship with myself, I have filled my days with busy-ness!

I've certainly been productive, yet there has been that constant nagging in the back of my mind that once again, I'm placing value on others impressions of me ahead of myself and this results in me feeling neglected, at times invisible or taken for granted. I created those feelings, not a single other soul was responsible for me feeling this way. This is my own personal cycle, and it is a vicious soul destroying one. I LOVE helping others and this eagerness tends to get the better of me. I wind up taking on too much, feel like I'm not giving 100% to anyone, get frustrated with myself or worse, resent those I'm supporting because I feel overwhelmed and guilty as I've lost the fun, the joy of that initial enthusiasm and the sole purpose of making a difference. So I clear my plate, then feel guilty for abandoning others and the silence I longed for suddenly becomes deafening to I eagerly find ways to fill my time. The cycle goes around again and again.

So here I am 4am, having been awake for a couple hours already and run out of crap to watch on tv, updated my to do list and finally pulling my finger out to achieve something useful while my mind runs a mile a minute fighting my body as it yawns and pleads for another night of insomnia to pass.

Today I am going to be kind to myself and take the first baby step in learning to love myself for surely when I came into this body I felt a strong sense of love and respect for myself. I'm going to revise my to do list and reprioritise, still honor the commitments that make my heart sing and find the strength to say a gentle and loving no to the promises I cannot deliver without compromising my commitment to myself. The first task I intend to decline is interviewing others about their love for me for if they truly love me, then I should know this already and not need my insecurities reassured.

Consider this an internal spring cleansing, dusting off the layers of guilt, healing the bruises of self loathing and taking some time to quietly reconnect with me and explore what comes up.

In a previous life....

I attended a workshop with Dr Brian Weiss a few weeks ago. It all came about quite quickly, unexpectedly and with serendipitous flare. I love those kinds of events, when you are obviously meant to be in a time and place and the universe works its magic to make it all come together perfectly.

I’ve been to workshops before and the hype and anticipation in the lead up to the event seems to overshadow the event itself and then afterwards I feel a tad let down. 

I’ve read three Brian Weiss books and looked into his schedule when I was planning on going to America a few years back, in the hope of being in a city that was hosting him. It wasn’t meant to be at that time. A new friend mentioned in passing that she was attending his workshop and I was online within hours and booked my ticket. Normally, I’d procrastinate over the price, whether it was the right thing to do, worry about who I would sit with and if I’d get what I needed from the experience. This time I simply followed my instincts and went for it and I am so glad I did.

Without doing a promo for Dr Brian Weiss… He is a Psychiatrist that discovered through patient therapy and using hypnosis that he can regress his patients to their previous lives and explore the lessons they are here to learn in this life. During the workshop Dr Brian Weiss took all the participants on several exercises involving regressing to previous lives, exploring our intuitive self and healing our body of physical or emotional ailments.

I have participated in past life regression before, in a one-on-one  therapy sessions. I was skeptical initially which I believe is healthy while still maintaining an open mind. The first time I was ever hypnotized was at the age of 18 at the local RSL in front of a live audience. It wasn’t my ‘thing’ and I was escorted off stage when I failed to run around clucking like a chicken. But from a very early age I have believed in Reincarnation – for me it wasn’t even something someone had to convince me existed. For me reincarnation just made sense and felt right.

And I think that is the point I am making here today. Our intuition, our higher self, knows exactly why we are here on earth living this human experience. We are here to explore the emotions of being a human, to learn our fundamental values, discover our spirituality and to simply BE human in all its vulnerable glory.

I discovered so much about myself during that workshop and even weeks on there is this newfound calmness that radiates from deep within me. It is a familiar feeling and throughout my life it comes and sits with my momentarily. Over the years of this current life I have experienced many challenges, traumas and highs that have all contributed to the person I am today, right now. The calmness seems to last a lot longer within me nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, I still have more anxious moments that not, I still fight my insecurities, I still put up the brick wall in self-defense and I still most definitely lose the plot and explode in all my neuroses. The difference now, I meditate often, I take not of my dreams, I am continually exploring my higher self and I am learning to embrace the human in me – all my faults, my strengths, my gifts and rediscovering who I am and what makes me tick.

My next blog is going to be an exploration about love – not romantic love but being in love with me that is an ongoing challenge and one that I think I am here to master in this lifetime. So my homework is to write a list of what I love about myself and interview those who say they love me – see what comes up!

My Life as a Soundtrack....

We had relatives visit last night which was just lovely, a yummee roast was called for the special occasion and we even popped open a bottle of bubbly we picked up in the Napa Valley a few years ago.  I walked out into the living area this morning and noticed the TV on as usual but it was on a different channel to what we normally watch for the morning news, weather and traffic report. My first instinct was, crap wrong channel and my day is ruined.  Wow, such an optimist these days huh!

So I took a small step back inside my mind and thought about how maybe I’m not as spontaneous as I once thought! So today has been about making small changes to my routine and who would have thought that one slight change could create such a shift in my entire day!

I was expecting a friend and her baby over for coffee so I went to turn off the tv, that being my choice for change in that moment. Then it occurred to me that music in the background would be a fresh way of being. I love music, when I was younger music was the soundtrack to my life. So many memories stem from music – pieces learnt on the piano, buying my first CD with my first ever paycheck, going to my first concert, my nanna taking me to my first musical, dancing with a crush for the first time, my wedding song, the music my daughter was birthed to, the funny lines my son thought were the lyrics! So that moment shifted something inside of me and instead of turning off the TV I switched to Max, a music channel on pay tv. It was like the universe was listening cause I was greeted with the Top 100 Love Songs of the 80s and number 92 was playing! I cranked up the volume when Prince’s Purple Rain came on, memories filled the room in an instant.

My day went on from there…. Madonna’s ‘Crazy For You’, The Bangles ‘Eternal Flame’, Phil Collins’ ‘One More Night’, Poison’s ‘Every Rose has its thorn’, U2 ‘With Or Without You’, Bonnie Tyler ‘I Need You Tonight’, Harry Connick Jr’S ‘It Had To Be You’, Journey’s ‘With Open Arms’, INXS ‘Never Tear Us Apart’, The Police ‘Every Breath You Take’.

Bonnie Tyler: I Need You Tonight – my cousin, 10 years my senior, visiting my family while going through a messy and devastating breakup with her boyfriend at the time. I was 15 and she had this CD of love songs – power ballads J We would crank up my parents lame ass stereo in the sunroom, overlooking the ocean and reaching notes so high that if Australian Idol was around back then we would have thought we were contenders for sure. I distinctly remember it being a misty rainy grey day and I wonder if that memory alone is why I still love those kind of days even now. 

The Bangles: Eternal Flame now this song still gives me goosebumps. Sadly, I still know the lyrics by heart! I was attending my first ever school disco, even more tragically I was in Year 10! I’d had a crush on the same guy since year 7 and we were both so painfully shy (at least I’m hoping that was his excuse) that we had never actually held a conversation. Somehow on that night the planets had aligned and we were thrown together by our friends (clearly they were all sick of my swooning and dribble about true love and him being my soul mate) to dance the slow song, the final one of the night at the final disco of the year. Needless to say, there was no conversation, not even a pash as a dream was kind of fulfilled!

INXS: Never Tear Us Apart – Now this was probably one of my fave Michael Hutchence songs. One of my best friends in high school was obsessed with him and INXS. I liked the band but you know, Jon Bon Jovi was my kind of rock star! I do have a more recent memory of this awesome song! Linking arms with one of my closest friends and two of her friends that thanks to a weekend away, gumboots from Bunnings, copious amounts of bubbly and a Day on The Green stamped a friendship among us all. What happens on the Green….stays on the Green! An annual tradition was created that weekend, I’m sure!

Cyndi Lauper: Time after Time – what can I say…the fashion of the 80s is wrapped up in that film clip alone!

George Michael: Careless Whisper – I adored him! I did not suspect even for a moment that he was gay (even when he was part of WHAM!). Mind you, I was only about 7 or 8 at the time and thought gay was just another word for happy-go-lucky. I remember taking my first Woolworth’s paycheck (cash of course) and buying my first ever CD, George Michael’s Listen Without Prejudice and drove my parents nuts playing it over and over and over.

Prince: Purple Rain – I will never forget the night two of my best friend’s went to Sydney to see Prince in concert. I curled up in a tight ball under my doona and sobbed purple tears! My dad wouldn’t let me go to the concert with my girlfriends. I was in Year 11, the daughter of a former cop – need I say more! Although he seemingly came good in the days leading up to the concert, trying to win tickets through the local radio station (maybe he was sick of my sullen mopping for months on end) but alas, that dream was shattered and I was devastated in true dramatic teenage style. Still haven’t forgiven him!

U2: With Or Without You – A friend in Year 8 was over the top obsessed with U2. She saw them on their Rattle n Hum tour and would easily break down in tears at the mere mention of Bono! Again, I wasn’t a major fan as my commitment still lay with Jon Bon Jovi, but when I was 18 I was with my first ‘serious’ boyfriend and about 12 of us drove up to Sydney to see U2 at the SCG. To this day, it is still one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to (and I’ve even see U2 live since). We spent the day in the sun lined up outside the SCG, probably almost 1km back in the line but just beside ourselves with excitement. Somehow we all managed to stay together AND end up in the mosh pit, right on the front fence with only 1m between us at the stage. Bono was right in front of us as he crooned With Or Without You. I bought every U2 CD available straight after that night to remember.

So my life is a soundtrack! Music is more instrumental in my life than I realized. How could I have not been aware of this until now! I even created a playlist for when I was in labour with my daughter! She was birthed at home, by candlelight to the sweet gentle sounds of Bliss’ One Hundred Thousand Angels. My son enters dreamland each night listening to his iPod! My daughter bopped away today as I relived many wonderfully joyous memories of the 80s.

It’s been a day of small changes, a shift to our routine, a tweak to my mindset and giving the vocal chords a good workout! 

Epiphany!

Lesson for last week... Just like the unspoken rule of don't sms an ex when you have had several vino's - DON'T vent online when you are sleep deprived or feeling even slightly unwell!


I spent the following four days in bed with the lurgy and then a nasty sinus infection really hammered home that I was all out of balance. As if I hadn't been feeling sorry for myself already! 


Yesterday was rock bottom, a simple email came my way and the bitch in me took over. I was on the phone to a friend from far away, her words soothing my ego and permitting me to vent something wicked. It all came tumbling out! But instead of feeling relieved afterwards I felt such incredible guilt. Then the guilt had me on the phone to DH sobbing that "I don't like People". I think all DH heard was "ahhhh donnnnnn <hiccup snort> leeeeek popp <sob sob> popppallllll". Bless him for mustering up words of support and reminders that he and the kids love me, if no one else!!!!


I got myself out of the car, walked into my acupuncture session and woooooosh all that built up energy lurched from my body as if even it couldn't bare to be around me even one more moment! I had a cleansing meditation and a wonderful visit of vibrant blue light which I have come to know to be my spirit guides. I asked for guidance so I could move forward and feel positive once again. I felt like I'd been dragged through the wringer afterwards but with less of a sense of panic at least.


My request was answered when I received a call from a very wise and mature-age woman whom I consider my spiritual mentor, my dear dear friend, my confidant, my conscience, my mother-figure.  She is just so good for my soul and has a very gentle way of guiding me along when I am feeling lost. Our conversation started a bit like this:


Her: "hello darling. How are you?" 
Me: "I'm good" 
Her:  "No you're not. What is going on for you right now?"
Me: "ahhhh juzzz donnnnnn <hiccup snort> leeeeek popp <sob sob> popppal raaaht noooow <booooohoooo hoooo>"


She oh so very gently and kindly reminded me that I am always, every where, all the time surrounded by love. That some people have been sent to me so that I can experience certain lessons and enrich my human experience! She explained that I cannot change other people and how they act and react, but I can change how I act and react. She said I will continue to get hurt whilst ever I fret, moan and bitch (my words there, not her's lol). That people will upset me and instead of getting angry I could try sending them love and accept that they are who they are and that is where they are meant to be right now just as I am exactly where I am meant to be. She suggested I keep two journals - one to vent in, never re-read or share with others along with a vow to let go of my attachment to the upsetting situation at hand and trust that it happened for a reason that I am simply yet to discover! The other journal is to be a 'thank you journal' and I am to write in it every single day about experiences that I am loving and consumed with gratitude for. 


Such a simple idea but my heart is doing a teeny tiny dance in anticipation. I don't like the side of me that gets consumed with feeling negative, disappointed, righteous, hurt and then guilt for sharing those thoughts with anyone within earshot (more often than not my poor DH). 


So if  you ever see me or speak to me maybe you could ask me "what have you been grateful for lately" and that will help to keep me feeling and being positive! It's gonna be an entire shift in behaviour for me I know! But I love a challenge lol And besides, for someone who claims to be quite spiritual I'm actually making a complete mockery of myself *forehead slap*


I'm not perfect and that frustrates the hell out of me! It turns out I'm not meant to be perfect, and that's what living a human experience is all about. :) 

Get me the Funk out of here!

I've been sitting on a half written post for three or so weeks now - reminding myself that it's there, unfinished and my blog is gathering a thick layer of dust! This seems to be the theme for me at the moment. I feel like I'm juggling a stack of water balloons and they are all about to explode mid-air, plummet to the ground or be caught by some unfortunate nearby onlooker! Not a single water balloon is feeling secure about its life purpose, some have gone up and are stuck out of sight on the top of a lamp post or rolled off into the gutter threatening to burst. What they should be doing is gleefully soaring through the air and preparing to land squarely on an unsuspecting target resulting in drenched belly busting laughter!

I over commit! I've decided it's a flaw (one of my many actually)! I get all enthusiastic about a cause/idea/suggestion/innate need to please or help others and I'm like the favourite on Melbourne Cup day.....barging through the gates with tunnel vision towards the target at hand. Only trouble is, like the favourite to win the race the nation stops for, I get so consumed by my enthusiasm and almost certainly forget to think of the necessary detail, the preparation involved and the inevitable consequences of leading with all guns blazing. (What's with all the cliches tonight Bohemia.....hmmm let's blame sleep deprivation -again!!!).

I forget about all the other big races that I promised to run like the Caulfield Cup, Oaks Day and so on. I burn myself out, the guilt roles in, I procrastinate, resent others for asking me to produce results, desperately think up excuses to justify quitting and in the end I give less than my best effort or worse, let other people down.

I don't know how to change this flaw! I go through cycles. I'm currently in the "I've taken on far too much and am feeling terribly overwhelmed and unappreciated" phase. Predictably, I'll soon be entering the phase of "throwing my hands up in despair and dolling out the inevitable excuses before running off and hiding in a quiet dark corner (the couch with the mind numbing TV remote)"!

The thing is, the guilt gets worse every time. I remind myself that several years ago I was working full-time, caring for my baby daughter with special needs, being a mum to another infant, battling to pay a mortgage, battling to keep my daughter healthy, battling the government health system, battling to keep my husband interested in me and our marriage. Battling! Battling! Battling! If I could survive that era then why I am feeling miserable, overwhelmed and useless now. Is that it, my life isn't a battle so I'm creating them? My life is so very different to that era. I really have no problems at all compared to the much younger woman of that time.

A friend recently reminded a group of us that it's in our family (and friend's) best interest that we find ways to fill our 'mama tanks'. This mama tank is very fortunate, having just enjoyed a weekend away with three fabulous and fun women followed by a very loving (and massive sigh of relief) welcome home by her hubby & kidlets only to jet-set off again on a couple's (plus our bub) weekend away. So the mama tank should be full to overflowing! Maybe my quest for equilibrium at the moment is to empty out a bit of all the other full to overflowing tanks (particularly the one labeled GUILT) and maybe, just maybe, this lil mama will feel less like she's diving head first into a funk!

Devastation in the City! Country! Everywhere!

We have had a wet Winter, a wetter Spring and are now in the midst of a torrential Summer. Our state is fast becoming something of a war zone! It's one thing to see countries far far away being swept along in the Monsoonal Season, you truly feel for them but don't really understand exactly what they are feeling and experiencing. It's suddenly much closer to home, it's affecting people we know and love and it's very very real.

The speed of this disaster is frightening. People have been posting videos on Facebook and you seen the torrents flowing, a creek is transformed into muddy rapids within minutes, cars being thrown around like they are toys.  It's just so surreal.

My dear friend, her husband and baby girl were on alert last night and prepared to evacuate if need be. They awoke this morning to see water around their home, surrounding streets and suburb but were safe and tentatively relieved. Only a few short hours later, they are stranded. Water levels rose suddenly and was within 2 metres of their house. They are now unable to leave their home, evacuation is impossible.

The news is now warning of flash flooding coming towards our city. My home is 2km from the river, up until now I was feeling quite safe. We are elevated, we look out over the city. But yesterday a town west of us on the mountain range was washed away. Suddenly, I'm not feeling quite so safe. Do I pack up our most precious valuables? Put the photos, laptops, birth certificates/passports and a change of clothes away? Where do I put it, the car is downstairs in the garage but seriously if we get flooded here on higher ground there is really nowhere else to go but the roof and keep our fingers crossed.

The phone network has gone down. DH phoned from his office line in the city to say they are being sent home. Only two nights ago we were watching the Flood Relief Appeal and donating money to all those people further North. Now it feels very real.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those who have been devastated by this natural disaster.

Today's balancing act....

I'm one child down at the moment while my darling son (we'll refer to him as DS) is on his annual summer visit with his biological father. He's been gone for two weeks now so naturally I am starting to miss his chatter, his laughter and the effortless love he has for his baby sister. Of course without DS around to drive to school/swimming lessons/futsel/nippers etc I am finding life to be cruising along quietly! My darling daughter (let's go with DD2) awoke with the sparrows this morning so after an outing to meet up with her daddy (my DH - dear husby) for lunch and rice throwing, well she is knackered and is now currently snoozing in the car (yes people, the car is safely parked in the garage with all car doors open for ventilation).

I have a few rare moments to myself, so of course I do the typical female/mother thing and race around like a chook with her head lopped off doing unsatisfying things such as put on the washing, put washing in the drier (soooo sick of this never ending rain), tidy up the living area, dusting (an utterly thankless task that only produces a postive result for a millisecond), make the bed, book the car in for a service, fold clothes, packed away clothes in bedrooms that seriously need decluttering, wash dishes, water plants and then suddenly time slowed right down as I walked longingly past the chocolate cake leftovers that I'd made yesterday to celebrate a friend's birthday.

Maybe that's my balancing act for today... simply accepting that my home is neater than it was when I woke this morning and that it really is ok if it doesn't look like a double page spread from the latest home/lifestyle magazine and then giving myself permission to STOP for a few guilt-free moments.

Now, did I hear someone mention something about cake.....!

A new day dawns.....

Way back when in 2010, this little chickie revolted agains the whole "New Years Resolution" phenomena and instead chose to go with whatever the Universe sent her way. It seemed to be the right choice in some respects but in other ways, it kinda just gave my tendencies toward procrastination the ability to fester! My novel remained incomplete and was the constant elephant in the room! On the other hand, I was growing a bellybabe and entered into Motherhood for the third time so it wasn't too hard to convince myself that it trumped finishing my novel. Woven throughout the year were other little wishes that would nag away at me, starting a blog was one of them!

This year, I've created a wish list and I commit to picking wishes that I am drawn to in that precise moment and running with it as far as I choose. I let go of my need to perfect a task. I let go of the guilt I put myself through for not finishing something. I won't beat myself up for not starting something on my list. I choose Equilibrium and I am a work in progress!

Another recurring theme in my life is seeking balance! Whether it be between work and home, relationship and friendships, hibernating or being a social butterfly etc. etc. I guess I'm just always trying to be superwoman (and I know I'm not alone in that quest)! So here we are in 2011, a clean slate, fresh start, new beginnings and all that.... I'm going to combine those two wishes and welcome you to share my journey as I explore ways in which I can achieve moments of Equilibrium!