Ok so what I've learnt since my last post is how talented I have become at keeping myself busy so as to avoid having 'the time' to work on something that is solely about me! It's been months since my last blog entry and not a day has passed without berating myself for avoiding my blog. Instead of following through on my commitment to myself to explore my relationship with myself, I have filled my days with busy-ness!
I've certainly been productive, yet there has been that constant nagging in the back of my mind that once again, I'm placing value on others impressions of me ahead of myself and this results in me feeling neglected, at times invisible or taken for granted. I created those feelings, not a single other soul was responsible for me feeling this way. This is my own personal cycle, and it is a vicious soul destroying one. I LOVE helping others and this eagerness tends to get the better of me. I wind up taking on too much, feel like I'm not giving 100% to anyone, get frustrated with myself or worse, resent those I'm supporting because I feel overwhelmed and guilty as I've lost the fun, the joy of that initial enthusiasm and the sole purpose of making a difference. So I clear my plate, then feel guilty for abandoning others and the silence I longed for suddenly becomes deafening to I eagerly find ways to fill my time. The cycle goes around again and again.
So here I am 4am, having been awake for a couple hours already and run out of crap to watch on tv, updated my to do list and finally pulling my finger out to achieve something useful while my mind runs a mile a minute fighting my body as it yawns and pleads for another night of insomnia to pass.
Today I am going to be kind to myself and take the first baby step in learning to love myself for surely when I came into this body I felt a strong sense of love and respect for myself. I'm going to revise my to do list and reprioritise, still honor the commitments that make my heart sing and find the strength to say a gentle and loving no to the promises I cannot deliver without compromising my commitment to myself. The first task I intend to decline is interviewing others about their love for me for if they truly love me, then I should know this already and not need my insecurities reassured.
Consider this an internal spring cleansing, dusting off the layers of guilt, healing the bruises of self loathing and taking some time to quietly reconnect with me and explore what comes up.
