Lesson for last week... Just like the unspoken rule of don't sms an ex when you have had several vino's - DON'T vent online when you are sleep deprived or feeling even slightly unwell!
I spent the following four days in bed with the lurgy and then a nasty sinus infection really hammered home that I was all out of balance. As if I hadn't been feeling sorry for myself already!
Yesterday was rock bottom, a simple email came my way and the bitch in me took over. I was on the phone to a friend from far away, her words soothing my ego and permitting me to vent something wicked. It all came tumbling out! But instead of feeling relieved afterwards I felt such incredible guilt. Then the guilt had me on the phone to DH sobbing that "I don't like People". I think all DH heard was "ahhhh donnnnnn <hiccup snort> leeeeek popp <sob sob> popppallllll". Bless him for mustering up words of support and reminders that he and the kids love me, if no one else!!!!
I got myself out of the car, walked into my acupuncture session and woooooosh all that built up energy lurched from my body as if even it couldn't bare to be around me even one more moment! I had a cleansing meditation and a wonderful visit of vibrant blue light which I have come to know to be my spirit guides. I asked for guidance so I could move forward and feel positive once again. I felt like I'd been dragged through the wringer afterwards but with less of a sense of panic at least.
My request was answered when I received a call from a very wise and mature-age woman whom I consider my spiritual mentor, my dear dear friend, my confidant, my conscience, my mother-figure. She is just so good for my soul and has a very gentle way of guiding me along when I am feeling lost. Our conversation started a bit like this:
Her: "hello darling. How are you?"
Me: "I'm good"
Her: "No you're not. What is going on for you right now?"
Me: "ahhhh juzzz donnnnnn <hiccup snort> leeeeek popp <sob sob> popppal raaaht noooow <booooohoooo hoooo>"
She oh so very gently and kindly reminded me that I am always, every where, all the time surrounded by love. That some people have been sent to me so that I can experience certain lessons and enrich my human experience! She explained that I cannot change other people and how they act and react, but I can change how I act and react. She said I will continue to get hurt whilst ever I fret, moan and bitch (my words there, not her's lol). That people will upset me and instead of getting angry I could try sending them love and accept that they are who they are and that is where they are meant to be right now just as I am exactly where I am meant to be. She suggested I keep two journals - one to vent in, never re-read or share with others along with a vow to let go of my attachment to the upsetting situation at hand and trust that it happened for a reason that I am simply yet to discover! The other journal is to be a 'thank you journal' and I am to write in it every single day about experiences that I am loving and consumed with gratitude for.
Such a simple idea but my heart is doing a teeny tiny dance in anticipation. I don't like the side of me that gets consumed with feeling negative, disappointed, righteous, hurt and then guilt for sharing those thoughts with anyone within earshot (more often than not my poor DH).
So if you ever see me or speak to me maybe you could ask me "what have you been grateful for lately" and that will help to keep me feeling and being positive! It's gonna be an entire shift in behaviour for me I know! But I love a challenge lol And besides, for someone who claims to be quite spiritual I'm actually making a complete mockery of myself *forehead slap*
I'm not perfect and that frustrates the hell out of me! It turns out I'm not meant to be perfect, and that's what living a human experience is all about. :)
