Get me the Funk out of here!

I've been sitting on a half written post for three or so weeks now - reminding myself that it's there, unfinished and my blog is gathering a thick layer of dust! This seems to be the theme for me at the moment. I feel like I'm juggling a stack of water balloons and they are all about to explode mid-air, plummet to the ground or be caught by some unfortunate nearby onlooker! Not a single water balloon is feeling secure about its life purpose, some have gone up and are stuck out of sight on the top of a lamp post or rolled off into the gutter threatening to burst. What they should be doing is gleefully soaring through the air and preparing to land squarely on an unsuspecting target resulting in drenched belly busting laughter!

I over commit! I've decided it's a flaw (one of my many actually)! I get all enthusiastic about a cause/idea/suggestion/innate need to please or help others and I'm like the favourite on Melbourne Cup day.....barging through the gates with tunnel vision towards the target at hand. Only trouble is, like the favourite to win the race the nation stops for, I get so consumed by my enthusiasm and almost certainly forget to think of the necessary detail, the preparation involved and the inevitable consequences of leading with all guns blazing. (What's with all the cliches tonight Bohemia.....hmmm let's blame sleep deprivation -again!!!).

I forget about all the other big races that I promised to run like the Caulfield Cup, Oaks Day and so on. I burn myself out, the guilt roles in, I procrastinate, resent others for asking me to produce results, desperately think up excuses to justify quitting and in the end I give less than my best effort or worse, let other people down.

I don't know how to change this flaw! I go through cycles. I'm currently in the "I've taken on far too much and am feeling terribly overwhelmed and unappreciated" phase. Predictably, I'll soon be entering the phase of "throwing my hands up in despair and dolling out the inevitable excuses before running off and hiding in a quiet dark corner (the couch with the mind numbing TV remote)"!

The thing is, the guilt gets worse every time. I remind myself that several years ago I was working full-time, caring for my baby daughter with special needs, being a mum to another infant, battling to pay a mortgage, battling to keep my daughter healthy, battling the government health system, battling to keep my husband interested in me and our marriage. Battling! Battling! Battling! If I could survive that era then why I am feeling miserable, overwhelmed and useless now. Is that it, my life isn't a battle so I'm creating them? My life is so very different to that era. I really have no problems at all compared to the much younger woman of that time.

A friend recently reminded a group of us that it's in our family (and friend's) best interest that we find ways to fill our 'mama tanks'. This mama tank is very fortunate, having just enjoyed a weekend away with three fabulous and fun women followed by a very loving (and massive sigh of relief) welcome home by her hubby & kidlets only to jet-set off again on a couple's (plus our bub) weekend away. So the mama tank should be full to overflowing! Maybe my quest for equilibrium at the moment is to empty out a bit of all the other full to overflowing tanks (particularly the one labeled GUILT) and maybe, just maybe, this lil mama will feel less like she's diving head first into a funk!